Why Me...? (New Member) [Archive]

LiquidAdrian

Jun 12, 2011, 7:38 PM

Hey all, My name's Adrian and I found bisexual.com on my current depression trip. I'm 22 and working as a Bartender in Southwest Pennsylvania, and I just need to let this out.

I'm not looking for advice or answers. I guess all I'm really doing is reinforcing my opinion that the human race as a whole is full of scumbags and America in particular is a country of hate-mongering bigots.

~~~

Two days ago I was just getting home from work when a "friend" came to my door. Told him, "Yeah, come in, make yourself at home, turn on some TV while I take a shower." I get in the shower, take a quick one, and come back to find him on my laptop with some kind of a stunned look on his face. He told me it was "the news in Syria" and left in a hurry.

This morning I pull into the bar parking lot and go to get dressed in the employee bathroom. On the door is a sign that says explicitly "No Fags". I tore it down and dismissed it as a sick joke by a patron who went out of their way to elicit some kind of response. Once I get out, the same "friend" that was at my place two days ago was standing there with the other two barhands, arms crossed. He tells me "you shouldn't have been in there, the sign said no fucking fags." I stood there open-mouthed while he made some kind of joke about sucking cocks and taking it up the ass and left after about twenty minutes of harassment from him and the two female workers. I got home and contemplated many things; revenge, suicide, mass murder. Obviously I decided to sit here and cry myself into a drunken stupor instead of the former options.

(Warning: Rant incoming!)

Apparently, this "friend" opened up some clearly marked files that were not meant to be opened, and he found some of my writings and drawings. Needless to say, the very vivid, skillful, and blatantly gay works I prided myself on were not so by his standards, and he thought it funny to upload them to his phone and send them out to all of our other "friends". Meanwhile, my parents and my ex-girlfriend will not answer my phone calls, the entire bar staff harasses me, and I'm psychologically ostracized by all of my local peers.

So here I sit, with my bottle of Everclear in one hand and in the other, my head. I've been like this for hours now and I'm thinking little of what I'll do tomorrow.

The sounds of The Beatles and my own sobbing coughs echoing throughout my house, I bring you the human race in all it's glory! May bigotry, homophobia, and misunderstanding be American standards for all eternity! Long live the land of the free and home of the sexually repressed!

/endrant

Realist

Jun 12, 2011, 7:58 PM

First of all, welcome. Sorry you had to experience that, but it shows you that you never know how others will react.

You're not the only one who has had to deal with such assholes....nor will you be the last!

I only hope that you won't be subjected to any physical abuse, on top of the mental pain you've already been dealt.

You probably should tell someone you trust about the incident and name the antagonizers....just in case.

Yoyome100

Jun 12, 2011, 8:21 PM

Don't allow someone's stupidity make you do something stupid. Do make notes of the encounter/s in case something happens to you. I deal with very homophobic comments daily and it does turn one's stomach. Good Luck.

LiquidAdrian

Jun 12, 2011, 8:32 PM

Thank you two for your support, I believe it'll help me through the haze of weeks to come.

I'd just like to clarify a few things I wasn't too clear about in my initial ramblings.

I am NOT an alcoholic by ANY standard. My drinking is sporadic and not at all in excess. As a matter of fact, this is my first drink in months. Also, I believe it'll be my last, as my throat is burning something fierce. I guess that's why you never see anyone double-fist-chugging Everclear Lemon.

I am NOT going to do "something stupid". The initial thought of doing "something stupid" faded as i realized that, while I'll be ousted as a fag for years to come, these people are just cogs of the hate-machine that years of media/religion-driven homophobia have created. As I see it, they're one in a million, so cutting a few from the picture wouldn't slow the epidemic. cutting myself from the picture would only hurt worse, as I'd be gone and they'd be glorified.

I think I'll try to write now.

mikey3000

Jun 12, 2011, 8:41 PM

HappyHedonic

Jun 12, 2011, 8:51 PM

Hi Adrian,

Welcome. Arms here are open to you and most everyone here cares about you. What that jerk ("friend") did was an invasion of privacy and the way others reacted was social retardation. I can see why you may be feeling hurt, violated, betrayed, angry, etc. I hope that you are able to get away from that crowd and to a better place, where life is good and people can be trusted.

LiquidAdrian

Jun 12, 2011, 8:52 PM

Oh man, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Those bastards should be shot and pissed on!!!! There should acyually be a law against that.

But hold on and just sit for a bit, ok? I know how shocking this must be for you but just give things a little room to breathe. Your true friends won't abandon you. Just have to get over the surprise.

I'm learning how homophobic Pittsburghers are, and it is a shame. It's like the whole city is in one big time warp. You are very welcome here!! WE want you and we understand.

In the short time span between 11:30pm two days ago and now, I've:

Lost the best friend I've ever had
Lost three others at work
Lost a girlfriend
Lost countless other friends around town
Apparently lost my parents (Mother posted on FB: My son's a goddamn queer)

And on top of all this, I've got the worst fucking sunburn of my life and my bad knee is aching like a mother.

Either I've got no true friends but you all, or all my "true friends" have a real funny way of expressing their love.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I just don't see what reason there is to calm down or be happy. I don't intend to make hostilities, I'm just telling the God-honest truth.

chook

Jun 12, 2011, 8:55 PM

Oh man, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Those bastards should be shot and pissed on!!!! There should acyually be a law against that.

But hold on and just sit for a bit, ok? I know how shocking this must be for you but just give things a little room to breathe. Your true friends won't abandon you. Just have to get over the surprise.

I'm learning how homophobic Pittsburgers are, and it is a shame. It's like the whole city is in one big time warp. You are very welcome here!! WE want you and we understand.

In Australia we do have a law against this, its called sexual harrassement and bullying, maybe in the States you dont but if you ask me you should all concentrate in getting your laws changed instead of marching for acceptance.

And if I were in your shoes Liquid I'd take a baseball bat to the prick that invaded your privacy and kneecap the bastard.....just my :2cents:

Cheers Chook :bigrin:

mikey3000

Jun 12, 2011, 9:26 PM

Better yet (althought i do like the baseball bat idea), since they didn't respect your privacy, don't respect theirs. Give us their emails and face book info and we'll fix them. :cool: I say we launch a shame attack on Pittsurgh and surrounding area, and drag them, screaming & kicking into the 21st century. I know the Pittsgurgh, Duquesne and West Mifflin types very well. In the mean time there are support groups out there for you to turn to. By all means get angry, you have every right to, but turn it into good.

Maybe these sites can help you:

http://www.glenda.org/
http://glccpgh.org/

But please try looking at things differently too. Maybe it's a good thing you were outed. I know a gay guy from that area who stayed closeted his entire life, and now he is so alone and miserable, and he's too old to really change now, so he's just resigned to the fact that he has missed the boat in life. Don't let that be you. Now you are free to be you. Just get to the right people.

Coastocoast

Jun 12, 2011, 9:58 PM

I am so sorry that this occurred but the world does include some idiots. I hate being paranoid but I literally have two profiles on each of my two home computers (one is a laptop). I always have to unlock the screen saver after 30 minutes of inactivity. One of the profiles is pretty devoid of any of my life including this site, the other one I use from day to day. If anyone walked into a similar situation at my home I would have to enter a password or they could not use my computer; I can switch profiles on the fly to the sterile one if I am asked for access. If anyone questioned it I can honestly say I occasionally have kids there and want to limit their access. I hate being that paranoid but I cannot afford for someone to stumble on the fact I am bi. I wish the world were not what it is, but given the world and the fact I choose to keep it quiet, I take this precaution.

dobu1

Jun 12, 2011, 10:30 PM

I have a couple of neurological disabilities, and have been harassed for them, mostly from younger people. Older people who figure out I have a disability (it isn't exactly obvious) usually can't stand to look at me.

I'm not sure what to do about it, either. I just wanted to say you're not alone.

--db :flag4:

BiDaveDtown

Jun 12, 2011, 10:34 PM

dbltrbl69

Jun 12, 2011, 10:42 PM

Maybe its not what you want to hear but "Everything happens for a reason", so pick your self up, dust yourself off, stand up straight and move forward... You haven't changed, and those around you haven't either... They just showed their true colors. Better now than later.

"do or do not... There is no try"- Yoda

DuckiesDarling

Jun 12, 2011, 11:35 PM

Adrian, I am so sorry you are having a tough time and that you were outted the way you were. It seems as though your friend was not much of one. There are some real homophobic pockets in America but in general most just don't want to know about it and have no feelings one way or the other. There are also lots of places where LGBT people are welcome and made to feel as though they are welcome.

In this board, I hope you find that there are others out there that come here to mix, mingle, discuss things happening in the world and things that affect LGBT either positively or negatively.

We have the full spectrum here including some heterosexuals who support LGBT and a lot of us are involved with bisexual partners.

StockyAsian

Jun 13, 2011, 12:47 AM

Hi! Adrian, I'm so sorry for what happened to you and what you're going through at the moment. I hope that you'll continue to be strong and pull yourself through all of this quickly. Don't keep it all wrapped up inside, rant all you want, we're all here for you.

bityme

Jun 13, 2011, 3:11 AM

In the short time span between 11:30pm two days ago and now, I've:

Lost the best friend I've ever had
Lost three others at work
Lost a girlfriend
Lost countless other friends around town
Apparently lost my parents (Mother posted on FB: My son's a goddamn queer)

And on top of all this, I've got the worst fucking sunburn of my life and my bad knee is aching like a mother.

Either I've got no true friends but you all, or all my "true friends" have a real funny way of expressing their love.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I just don't see what reason there is to calm down or be happy. I don't intend to make hostilities, I'm just telling the God-honest truth.

Adrian,

You need to see an attorney. There are laws about invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress and sexual harassment in the work place. You need to report the conduct of your former friends and co-workers to the employer. If the employer fails to take corrective action, you can file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and they can step in or furnish you with the authorization to sue your employer for damages. The process works and can actually give you more satisfaction than the baseball bat (and keep you out of jail).

Pappy

sammie19

Jun 13, 2011, 7:05 AM

As one who was outed myself, I know just what you are going through, Adrian. Loss of "friends" and the humiliation and persecution is something you should consider trying to get legal redress for. I don't know what the legal position is regarding the uploading from your computer without your knowledge or permission, but can that not be considered theft?

I was lucky enough to have parents who loved and helped me get through it even although the revelation that I was a "dyke" was a shock to them. My life changed from that day and opened up new horizons, but I can never forget the hell I had to go through at that time.

elian

Jun 13, 2011, 10:39 AM

It will get better Adrian, I am from Central PA and BECAUSE I live here being outed is one of my biggest fears. However, believe it or not I have found that there ARE some moderate people here. I attended a freedom to marry rally on Valentine's Day and believe it or not we got quite a few honks of support from cars passing by (even fire engine # 69 - come to think of it, is there any OTHER number fire truck? Maybe that says something about the folks who live here.)

Like I said in other thread unfortunately Americans have been told to hush up about sex so much that any time they bring it up it's usually in the most immature way - like a bunch of giggling f'king schoolgirls or some over-macho guys. All those people can think about is what they thought they saw or know, not what was really there because they don't know what it is like to walk in the shoes of an actual gay person. That's something that fundementalists hate, they try like hell to demonize gay people because if you ever got to know one with an open mind you would realize that they are JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

I won't mention how disappointed and frustrated I became when I read that your friend said it was the "news in Syria" - gee, he must've KNOWN he was doing SOMETHING wrong to lie like that and run like hell - what a coward. Not the most mature person..

I'd like to think that you don't need "friends" like that, you will find other friends who really care about who you are as a person. Your parents may be in shock. There are still people who will accept you for who you are, don't give up. They need to know that you are the same person you were BEFORE they discovered you were gay - the conversation may be hard but you are a good person yes? If you feel your self-esteem start to slip remember that no one deserves to be punished for something as fundamental as who they choose to love - there was a time when interracial dating was ALSO looked upon as taboo. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

-E

babloobla

Jun 13, 2011, 12:48 PM

Adrian,

Sorry for your troubles.. I second chook and bityme's advice - get an attorney.
call EEOC and ACLU . keep us posted here on what happens. I don't know if any attorneys are members here (anyone?)
I have only been open about my sexuality with a select few family and friends. I feel paranoia from time to time when homophobic people and comments go around. and it is right to protect yourself from attack from anyone for any reason. What happened to you was the ugliest kind of violation. If there are not laws against invasion of privacy by intruding into your pc, stealing files ( your intellectual property) copying your original artwork and distributing and publishing it against your will and with intent to hurt injure and insult you there will be and the right case will bring it around

"what you think of me, is none of my business."

lizard-lix

Jun 13, 2011, 1:03 PM

Adrian,

I can't offer any more than the other folks here have already offered, but I would like to add a hug and my sincerely best wishes and hopes that this works out for you...

I am so sorry that people are being such assholes.

You have a bunch of folks here that you can lean on. Feel free..

Liz

_Joe_

Jun 13, 2011, 3:57 PM

Good for him showing his true colors. It would be worse if it was years down the road and you had to learn it yourself the same way (or any other way) and then you'd be more depressed learning how much time and effort you invested in that "friendship"...so ya, better sooner than later, thats a silver lining for you ?

You don't have to be alone, by all means keep chatting away here. Good many of us are already lonely in our local element but keep some sanity here.

edit. saw next post.

What an avalanche.

:/

kitten

Jun 13, 2011, 4:37 PM

HUGS!! and keep talking here. Do not let yourself get isolated. That is my main reason for coming here to read, chat and express myself. There is no other safe outlet.
I am sad for what the others did and agree with pursuing legal advice. THe actions in the wrokplace are definitely not allowed.

The saying "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" definitely applies and the folks I have met here are the strongest sort I have ever met.

More hugs and best wishes to you-

elian

Jun 13, 2011, 5:53 PM

Discrimination against sexual orientation is NOT covered under the Civil Rights Act, and some folks in our state have been actively trying to discourage legislation and funding for the PA Human Rights Commission that would make discrimination against LGBT folks on the basis of orientation illegal. I am NOT a lawyer and I am not familiar with current state or local law.

Many corporate codes of conduct sometimes write in anti-discrimination language but for a small business such as a bar there may be no legal standing for the discrimination itself, although you may cite harassment or other things.

Consulting an attorney, especially one who is LGBT friendly might be an option. I know it hurts to let them get away with it but if this is a very small town you may want to weigh the effect of litigation against having to continue to be a part of the community. An attorney in the area or ACLU may be a good place to at least check out options.

mikey3000

Jun 13, 2011, 6:30 PM

slipnslide

Jun 13, 2011, 7:13 PM

Wow. Now who was saying that Pittsburgh is not homophobic?

Sounds like they need a Section 15.

Section Fifteen of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Section_Fifteen_of_the_Canadian_Charter_of_Rights_ and_Freedoms)

elian

Jun 13, 2011, 7:21 PM

Wow. Now who was saying that Pittsburgh is not homophobic?

Well, please don't misunderstand - I think it would be wrong to label everyone as homophobic because there are certainly some moderate folks out there.

It's just that the state human rights commission tried to get legislation passed in 2007 and as far as I know they haven't succeeded yet - the middle of the state is very conservative but not so much with the two big cities (Pittsburgh and Philly) at either end of it. At least that's my opinion - I could be wrong.

-E

mikey3000

Jun 13, 2011, 7:37 PM

I'm sure there are moderte people there, at least I hope so. It's just that I know a few guys from the Pittsburgh area and that all were/are still deathly afraid to come for fear of being ostrasized from their families and friends. So much so that two of them, a couple in love for thirty years, have never and would never even live together. This has lead to much sadness on their part. One even seen this homophobic mentality being passed down to his little nieces and it breaks his heart. Not once has anyone ever corrected her behaviour. I know the Mt. Washington area of Pittsburgh is a little gayish, but move from there and it's back to the norm. Fag and gay are very derogatory words that are used too freely there. :(

DuckiesDarling

Jun 13, 2011, 11:36 PM

I do wonder, Adrian, why you didn't have your computer password protected? I would suggest you do so in the future, it won't prevent anyone really dedicated to getting in system if they have any computer expertise but it will prevent a casual snoop like your friend from doing this again. I know hindsight is 20/20 but just saying....

tenni

Jun 14, 2011, 1:02 AM

Adrian
I'm saddened to read about how you have been treated. I have little advice for you because I do not know your community. I hope that your mother comes around and recognize that you are still her son. I hope that the negative reaction reduces over the next few days for you.

It does seem that one option is to leave town and start afresh somewhere more tolerant. May your fortunes this upcoming week be so much better than last week.;)

Bicuriousman

Jun 14, 2011, 2:34 AM

Adrian,

You need to see an attorney. There are laws about invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress and sexual harassment in the work place. You need to report the conduct of your former friends and co-workers to the employer. If the employer fails to take corrective action, you can file a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and they can step in or furnish you with the authorization to sue your employer for damages. The process works and can actually give you more satisfaction than the baseball bat (and keep you out of jail).

Pappy

I couldn't have said it any better myself... and would like to add a link...http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/sexual_harassment.cfm
make sure to keep notes or a journal who what was said where when etc...you basically want whomever that reads that to be able to envision it as if they were there for them selves. Hold your head up!!! and Don't take anyone's crap! You don't always have to raise a hand to win a fight especially when raising a pen can be VERY effective.:2cents::bigrin:

dickhand

Jun 14, 2011, 12:25 PM

Hey Adrian , I'm sorry that happened to you . Your circle of "freinds" would explain your not coming out on your own . I too live in a very redneck area . Remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger . The people in your future will know you are bi or gay . Certainly a better beginning for relationships . I would love to see your pictures and stories . Feel free to e-mail them to me ! Have a good one , Ed .

virginia123

Jun 14, 2011, 5:11 PM

No matter what the situation is, you can always find something good to take from it. In this case, the good is that you are discovering who your real friends are! So sorry for you that it hurts to find out who your friends really are, but better know than later. Leave them all to there small thoughts and move on to new understanding friends. New friends are out there waiting for you. Be open and patient, but never give up on who you really are. Real friends will stand by you no matter what. The rest are not worth your time or effort. Be proud of who you are, tell the others to just "fuck off" and get out of your life. Its obvious they don't want you, and you don't need them. If they keep harressing you, report them as stalkers! Good thoughts and hugs are sent to you. Take care of yourself first!

mikey3000

Jun 14, 2011, 11:28 PM

Is anyone else concerned that we haven't heard back from this kid? :(

dobu1

Jun 15, 2011, 12:32 AM

Is anyone else concerned that we haven't heard back from this kid? :(

Just realized that. Hopefully he hasn't done anything to seriously hurt himself. :(

--db :flag2:

love1234

Jun 15, 2011, 3:25 AM

Falke

Jun 15, 2011, 3:31 AM

Is anyone else concerned that we haven't heard back from this kid? :(

Yes. Horrid story and that is ALOT of shit to be dumped on at once. Liquid, if you need to chat I am here, just send a PM.

elian

Jun 15, 2011, 6:40 AM

Please don't take this the wrong way, I just don't see what reason there is to calm down or be happy. I don't intend to make hostilities, I'm just telling the God-honest truth.

Adrian, that is so much that would overwhelm anyone to have to go through at once. I'm not going to say that you don't have a right to be angry or sad but if you can read all of these responses then you can see that there are people who care about you.

slipnslide

Jun 15, 2011, 8:47 PM

Is anyone else concerned that we haven't heard back from this kid? :(

The thing with sites like this is you never know who was serious and who was just messing around. For all we know it was just some kid making up a story to see how people on here about react.

mikey3000

Jun 15, 2011, 8:56 PM

Man, I hope you're right.

bib4u

Jun 15, 2011, 9:42 PM

It appears you've swallow a big dose of reality. Sad, but true.

These so called friends would still be friends if they were really friends.

You are much to young to blame society and America for the problems you are going through at present, these things happen daily in every country on the face of the earth!

One thing is abundantly clear, you have decisions/choices to make!

You won't be the first or the last to "start over", thinking it is in any way necessary to put up with homophobia is the first decision you must deal with.

Kindly understand that those that live in the past will be chained by it and not progress in the future.

Work out a plan, stick to it and be the best person you can be.

ps: time to move on...don't get sucked into dealing with morons...life is too short!

Learn from the past and progress in the future, most of us wish we were 22 and had learned such a strong lesson. Make the best of what you have, tomorrow is another day, one step at a time...

All the best, yours in GLBT..