I need some advice [Archive]

lonelygirlintx

Feb 3, 2008, 12:13 PM

I am married to a wonderful guy, but I am not the type to only be intimate with him. The problem is that I want to have an open marriage and he has a problem with me being with other men. We have had one threesome with a male friend of his and his body liked me being with that guy, but his mind, doesn't. We have talked about this in the past, I always end up going his way just because I love him and respect his feelings and don't want our relationship to end. But lately this desire has gotten stronger. I know that if he just put aside what he has been taught and just go with it, that he'd probably really enjoy it, but he very stubborn and thinks that his family's teachings are all he can know. I am a very sexual person and I need some advice on this, I am going crazy thinking about this. I have cheated once before and don't want to end up doing that again because I know how much it hurt him. ANYONE'S advice will be truly appreciated....

diamond_tether

Feb 3, 2008, 2:29 PM

It sounds like you're kind of stuck. It's always unfortunate to have to deal with a situation of infidelity, but since the two of you are still together - it speaks of your strength as a couple. That's the angle we'd encourage you two to work from on the issue. If you've talked about it before, continue to do try and do so. Even if he continues to resist, he'll eventually come to understand how important your interest/curiosity are in this arena. Eventually, you may figure out how to articulate that accordingly as a need. For now, we wish you luck and a lot of strength; and remember that you're not alone, most of us here know how difficult it can be to remain monogamous when your urges tell you that you're not that kind of person.

diB4u

Feb 3, 2008, 2:41 PM

I do tend to agree... AS your both still together and happy as such, can you, could you end up cheating because he wont put otut with men? Its a hard situation, but just continue to talk to each other.

Maybe you can come to some sort of compromise. That you both will only have one man that you can go to, and have a saftey word and as soon as he feels uneasy you stop.

Even if its only him watching you kiss another man in his company. Even if it takes a long time, sometimes compromises can be reached, other times it cant. If that isnt a proper answer for you, maybe as a last result go seek couple councilling.

:2cents: I hope that has helped?

shameless agitator

Feb 3, 2008, 3:45 PM

maybe as a last result go seek couple councilling.Actually, I would recommend doing this sooner rather than later. You also have to ask yourself, if he just will not budge on this point, is that a situation you can deal with? You need to iether commit yourself to being monogomous unless/until he agrees to open the relationship, or else end it & find someone who's okay with being poly.

lonelygirlintx

Feb 3, 2008, 7:47 PM

Thank you guys so much. This is so overwhelming, but I appreciate all of your help and support. Also, I guess I didn't make it clear that he is straight, he isn't attracted to men at all. It's just I want to be able to be intimate with other guys sometimes and I have always given him permission to be with other women, just let me know who they are, but it's like our roles are changed. He is more like the woman, and me more like the guy, personality wise. I can count on him to be completely faithful, he only wants to be with me, but I want freedom to have other guys if I feel like I need someone new in my life. He's perfectly fine if I get with another girl, but a guy, that's different. We have been together for 5 years altogether, since we were 14. So I'm positive, I wouldn't just drop him if some other man came into the picture. I find that we are very strong in our relationship, it's just him being so stubborn, it's hard for him to listen to other people's opinions.

Lorcan

Feb 4, 2008, 1:02 AM

He sounds like he is mostly monogamous and you are poly. I hate to say this, but you half to go with the least common denomenator. What i mean is if he's monogamous then you half to live that way to, despite the fact that you don't want to.

You said you were more like a guy and he was more like a woman in that respect. I can personally understand that. There are many men who would be poly if they could get away with it. But they don't because their wifes are monogamous. So what I saying is, suck it up like a man, and be content with what you have.

DiamondDog

Feb 4, 2008, 1:11 AM

You can't force an open relationship, or anything else on someone.

Lorcan is right, just cut your losses and stay with him if you feel that you value the relationship that you have with him, and you respect him and the type of relationship that he wants.:2cents:

Bluebiyou

Feb 4, 2008, 1:21 AM

Bingo. Same here.
Accept the monogamy or break up and move on.
Boredom hits everyone. Cheating will be tempting... but cheating just proves bad things about you. (cheating is different than those few people who have poly/open relationship understanding with their mate).
I am bi but have monogamous het relationship.

BreeIsMe

Feb 4, 2008, 5:10 AM

maybe its 'teaching" maybe it family upbriging but whatever it is, it is EMOTIONAL , not rational; therefore, I don't think you can expect him to change anymore than you can force someone to change their emotions or how they feel about any other emotional issue. These things can cut to the core and make yoru relationship fade very quickly. How important is it to be with multiple men? Is it that he isn't satisfying you or that you must have several different men, even if you are fully satisfied by each one individually. You are both heading for disappointment and perhaps even the end of your relationship....

Bree

ophelia_in_red

Feb 4, 2008, 8:54 AM

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to work on trying to change these feelings for you. The important question is whether or not he agrees in principle that polyamory is a good idea. I know lots of people who agree in principle that polyamory makes sense and is a reasonable and fair way to carry out a relationship; they don't want to restrict their lover, and so on. Many of those people are also concerned, however, about their natural jealous response to the thought of their lover being involved with someone else. Their mind and their emotions are in conflict, and often they would really like to change their feelings because they believe they don't match up to their principles.

If this is your partner's position, you may have a hope of helping him to change his feelings. Are you bisexual? Might he find it easier for you to cope with being involved with other women first? Can you reassure him that it won't change your feelings or your desire for him?

If he doesn't feel that polyamory is a good relationship model full-stop, then I don't think you're going to change his mind. It's then up to you, as others have said, to either accept monogamy as your lot or to move on.

Charlie41

Feb 4, 2008, 4:18 PM

Very interesting situation. As a male I would have to say that what ever your decision is you have to be happy with it. You will have to live with that decision for the rest of your life, be it having sex with other men or women or just having sex with your husband. I had to make that decision when I got married at age 30 something. I was very active as a Bi male, had been involved in several threesomes. I wanted to continue that kind of a sex life after marriage. The wife said NO. Never. Well, I am still married and sexually unfull filled. I still think about what I have missed, what could have been.
Sex has been good with the wife but never totally satisfying.
Your choice is yours. Good luck and let all of us know what you deciede to do.
Charlie

aisuhi

Feb 4, 2008, 11:07 PM

I like you got married at a young age. I am no longer married to my first wife. Because we basically grew up and apart. I Admire that you are still together. However things always change. If together you cant change together then something has to give. There is alot of things you and he have missed out on. I missed out on many things, fortunately My 3rd and current wife is understanding as we have many many of the same interests and not just sex. As has been stated before by some others here, keep trying or give up. I cant tell you what to do. But hopefully you will make the right choice for you. Remember you only live once and its too short to be miserable.

Reguards,
CYLEE

Audioslave

Feb 5, 2008, 6:56 AM

Hi. I dont know either of you, but your current situation doesnt sound healthy. have you thought about getting some professional help? Good luck,hope you can both find a pleasant outcome to this!!
:tongue:

HighEnergy

Feb 5, 2008, 1:56 PM

Not that sexual needs don't have an emotional component and fill emotional needs, the question comes down to how much of all of your needs are being met by being with your "wonderful husband"? There is always the story of the man who leaves his wonderful wife, fantastic family and perfect home because the wife doesn't have as high of a sex drive as he does and he thinks therefore she doesn't love him. He is miserable in a cheap apartment w/ the new sex kitten and misses everything from his former life, but he's getting laid a lot and realizes it's nothing compared too all of the other stuff.

So, sit down with a piece of paper with 2 columns and list EVERYTHING about your marriage that makes you happy on one side, and not happy on the other. Look at the size of the columns and then rate each item in it's importance.

You likely are not going to change your husband's feelings anymore than he's having any luck getting you to think more like him. Whether you intend it or not, your desires likely leave him feeling inadequate and hurt. Just because you can think poly, and it not effect how you feel about him, he cannot. I don't think a monogomous soul can deal with the poly life without pain.

And there are some of us women out there with sex drives higher than our partners but for some folks there are other things about our partners we chose to stay for.

Good luck.

lonelygirlintx

Feb 6, 2008, 1:13 PM

Okay, guys, I have come to the decision to stay and just be happy with what I have. I realized that I don't absolutely have to be w/ other guys, I just want another guy's company every now and then. And what I really think is that I just miss people altogether, I'm a stay at home mom, only gets out with family, my friends, decided to go a different path than I chose. And my husband has already agreed to let me be with women, so I really have nothing to complain about. Anyway, I just wanted to let ya'll know my decision, and to also say thanks again, you guys are the BEST! :tong:

the mage

Feb 6, 2008, 3:19 PM

There are a few things you can try to see if they peak your mans interest in outside play but you can't force it upon him.
Your being together for so long speaks to issues of inexperience in terms of number of partners as well as separation of sex and love which adds to the difficulty of reaching out.
A few enjoyable 3 ways with FFm may bring him round to FMM play.
Be patient, don't sacrifice love for a bit of lust..

someotherguy

Feb 8, 2008, 2:31 PM