When to kick kids out of the nest?

[tenni]

http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/07/29/on-boomer-parents/2/

With the economy as it is and the line of independence continuing to get fuzier and fuzier, this may be an interesting read/discussion.

Here are a few questions from the above article to bounce your idea off.

Q: Social scientists and demographers now talk about a period of life called “pre-adulthood,” after adolescence but before true financial independence, which often stretches through the late 20s. The reasons it takes so much longer to reach adulthood today are primarily economic: rising costs of a university education, higher housing costs, higher unemployment. What are the effects of all this on parents?

Q: You argue that there should be an explicit time limit on the arrangement and maybe a written contract, also. Does it really need to be so formal?

Q: If adult kids are unable to take care of themselves, surely part of the responsibility for that rests with parents.

Q: Why do parents feel impotent in these situations?

Q: In 2004, some U.S. researchers looked at what kind of support parents give their children aged 18 to 34 and found that, on average, parents contribute $2,200 a year over that 17-year period, to cover education, housing and other costs. That’s a lot more than in any previous generation. What’s going on here?

Q: Do you think this generation is more selfish than yours was?

[Robinium]

I just pick out 2 questions.


Q: In 2004, some U.S. researchers looked at what kind of support parents give their children aged 18 to 34 and found that, on average, parents contribute $2,200 a year over that 17-year period, to cover education, housing and other costs. That’s a lot more than in any previous generation. What’s going on here?

Inflation and rising standards in general? Plus world economy crisis, unemployment etc.? And if you have to pay inheritance taxes in the USA, then it might be better to get rid of some of your savings before the state grips the money?


Q: Do you think this generation is more selfish than yours was?

Even the old greek philosophers complained about the youth of their generation being more spoiled etc. than they had been themselves. Moreover, our Western societies have become more and more individualistic over the last decades, that might have had an impact as well.

[darkeyes]

Read this an counted up wot me knew me dad had given me since me left school an 1st went 2 uni... tween ages 18 an 30 know for a fact 'e had coffed up close 2 26,000 quid of wich me paid back precisely well... mayb 2000 give or take... a small price 2 pay for havin such a triff lil girl:bigrin:....

Did try 2 pay back more but 'e told me not 2 b so daft... Well e's me dad an 'e luffs me an likes me 2 b happy... :)

Still have bit ova 3 years 2 go till me 34 Tenni, but don need 'im 2 help out nowadays.. but ya nev kno...;)

Spoilt? Def.. more spoilt than me mum and dad.. very def... r our kids more spoilt than me wos.. not by us... but me dad don haff spoil the lil buggas rotten.. ask me 'gain in 'bout 15 years.:tong:

[MarieDelta]

http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/07/29/on-boomer-parents/2/

With the economy as it is and the line of independence continuing to get fuzier and fuzier, this may be an interesting read/discussion.

Here are a few questions from the above article to bounce your idea off.

[QUOTE=tenni;178081][Q: Social scientists and demographers now talk about a period of life called “pre-adulthood,” after adolescence but before true financial independence, which often stretches through the late 20s. The reasons it takes so much longer to reach adulthood today are primarily economic: rising costs of a university education, higher housing costs, higher unemployment. What are the effects of all this on parents?

Not much, a little more in the way of financial burden. But these are young adults who are mostly able to care for themselves, but may need a little financial aid.


[Q: You argue that there should be an explicit time limit on the arrangement and maybe a written contract, also. Does it really need to be so formal?

No , not really. I dont think families work well with formal contracts.


Q: If adult kids are unable to take care of themselves, surely part of the responsibility for that rests with parents.
I disagree. rising costs and a low minimum wage tend to make it hard for children to go from dependent to independent in one year or less.



Q: Why do parents feel impotent in these situations?Because there isnt much to be done. The situation isnt one where you can tell you adult child to "hit the bricks" and that they are just lazy. It was different twenty years ago when the rest of us did our growing up.


Q: In 2004, some U.S. researchers looked at what kind of support parents give their children aged 18 to 34 and found that, on average, parents contribute $2,200 a year over that 17-year period, to cover education, housing and other costs. That’s a lot more than in any previous generation. What’s going on here? Need for higher eduacation to get a decent job limits the amount of time someone can spend working.


Q: Do you think this generation is more selfish than yours was? No. The whole "Western Civilisation is going downhill" was old when Plato was a kid.

[kcatthegreat]

As the human lifespan gets longer, so does childhood. There was a time when you married at age 13 and died at age 30. Now you marry at age 30 and die at age 80. In those 30 years, you have to get an extensive education, much more complex than in any previous generation and you have to perform jobs that just didn't exist at any other time in human history.

Also, people have fewer children than they did in years past, so they spend more time and money on the ones they do have.

[citystyleguy]

With the economy as it is and the line of independence continuing to get fuzier and fuzier, this may be an interesting read/discussion.

Here are a few questions from the above article to bounce your idea off.

Q: Social scientists and demographers now talk about a period of life called “pre-adulthood,” after adolescence but before true financial independence, which often stretches through the late 20s. The reasons it takes so much longer to reach adulthood today are primarily economic: rising costs of a university education, higher housing costs, higher unemployment. What are the effects of all this on parents?

these are the types of demographic generalizations that too often occur, and then make their way into the mainstream as facts; it is far more common for multi-generational families to live together under one roof, both world-wide, and historically in the usa. it is far more uncommon that the people live in isolated generational communities, and it would behoove these social scientists etc to turn their attention as to what occured socially and in the broader community as a result of these types of communities.

Q: You argue that there should be an explicit time limit on the arrangement and maybe a written contract, also. Does it really need to be so formal?

You, who? ...methinks this question is pulled out of context, but within the particulars of the general question, such formal specifics would be appropriate to the individuals involved.

Q: If adult kids are unable to take care of themselves, surely part of the responsibility for that rests with parents.

taking that this inability to care for themselves is financial, this is far too general to make a definitive statement(s), as the financial situation has far too many variables, such as the general/specifics of the economy, local as well as regional/national, etc.

it is always possible that the parents may hold some responsibilty(ies), yes, but the short answer to that dilemma would be for the parents to get some backbone, pack up the suitcase for the sorry sack of shit, leave them on the front porch/step/stoop, whatever, and change the damn locks!!!

Q: Why do parents feel impotent in these situations?*

* see answer to the above question!

Q: In 2004, some U.S. researchers looked at what kind of support parents give their children aged 18 to 34 and found that, on average, parents contribute $2,200 a year over that 17-year period, to cover education, housing and other costs. That’s a lot more than in any previous generation. What’s going on here?

dumbass parents with far more money than common sense or backbone, coupled with a lazy, selfish, whining, lout!

Q: Do you think this generation is more selfish than yours was?

every older generation thinks this about the prior, and the younger generation thinks that same about the former, a pretty pointless question!

[tenni]

cityguy and others
The actual article where these questions are from is the top line. Click it and it should take you to the article.

http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/07/29/on-boomer-parents/


The author of the book is bestselling author and television screenwriter, Gail Parent. In her new book, How to Raise Your Adult Children, co-authored with psychotherapist Susan Ende, she offers advice to parents of “big kids with even bigger problems.”

[Doggiestyle]

I can remember it well. When I got out of the Army I spent the first few days visiting folks, socializing and getting my motorcycle back to running order, I had kinda "mothballed it" before leaving. I spent the next few weeks running wild and "making up for lost time", awwww ya know what I mean!

Anyway I did spend a few nights at my parents house, but mostly I would spend the night at a friends house. After a few weeks of this my Dad sat me down and said to me "son, you're a big boy now, you're all growed up and it's time for you to make your own life, make your own way. Your Mom and i have raised you and it's your turn to provide for yourself". What I am really saying is that my parents were kicking me out of their house, and telling me to go out and "fend for yourself" :(

Now I got to admit that I was both pissed and heart-broken about this. They were just booting me out!!!!!!! :eek:

So, I got a job, and a down-stairs apartment in a low rent area of town. (Incidentally that was when the partying really began) and I would work during the day, party at night.

Even though I was pissed at Mom & Dad about kicking me out of their home, I later came to realize that they were really right to do this, and that they really did me a favor. That I needed to "man up" and make my own living and not be a financial / physical burden to my parents, or society, (the damn government I mean).

It was about 10 or so years later when I finally realized all this, and was willing to admit that they were right. Anyway, I and my brothers were at a Thanksgiving dinner that Mom had cooked up and I reminded them about then, and the time they told me to take care of your-self, and that at first I was pissed at them, but got over it. And had come to realize that they had done me a real favor, AND THANKED THEM FOR IT!!!

I and my brothers would show up at Moms & Dads place from time to time. My Dad and I would work on projects together. We always got together at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and other events and reasons. We always got along with each other, most of the time, and for whatever it's worth, they did the same to my brothers too!

Now I cannot give a certain age for when to tell your kids that it's time for them to make their own way in this world. I don't think that their would be a certain age, just that there would be a certain time, when it's time. It is my opinion that it is good training for "kids", after they are grown up, to go out into the world and make a life for their own. I am not saying to abandon your parents, just become independent of them. You will be doing both them and yourself a favor if you do. Now there are those that make their own living and still live at home. I see no problem with this, in fact it's admirable if it's cause somebody needs to take some sort of special care of your parents. But believe me your parents will almost always have a conflict with your friends! In all honestly though, you should get away from your parents and make your own way through life.

This is my opinion, or my :2cents: on the subject and I'm sticking to it. OK??? Your friend, :doggie:

[darkeyes]

Read this an counted up wot me knew me dad had given me since me left school an 1st went 2 uni... tween ages 18 an 30 know for a fact 'e had coffed up close 2 26,000 quid of wich me paid back precisely well... mayb 2000 give or take... a small price 2 pay for havin such a triff lil girl:bigrin:....

Did try 2 pay back more but 'e told me not 2 b so daft... Well e's me dad an 'e luffs me an likes me 2 b happy... :)

Still have bit ova 3 years 2 go till me 34 Tenni, but don need 'im 2 help out nowadays.. but ya nev kno...;)

Spoilt? Def.. more spoilt than me mum and dad.. very def... r our kids more spoilt than me wos.. not by us... but me dad don haff spoil the lil buggas rotten.. ask me 'gain in 'bout 15 years.:tong:

Spoke to me dad bout this cos it worked on me mind for a bit.. 'e laffed an sed "26000 ???? was it that much? I couldnt really say cos I don't keep tabs on how much u lot (me, my brother and sister) cost me." Me mum chipped in and sad "26000? and the rest dear. But well over half was for your education." So me not quite as greedy an selfish as me at 1st appears...;)

[darkeyes]

The answer to the question has little or nothing to do with the subsections that Tenni outlined.. it is quite simple... when they are ready to go.. we should never kick them out of the nest as he so delicately puts it.. I left home at 18 and was probably ready for it at that time. I was going to be poor but you can be poor and happy. My parents supported me while I was at uni and helped pay my living expenses and more. Kate and I will do just the same for our kids when they believe it time for them to go.

A lot to do with kids not feeling ready to leave home is of course finance, job, education etc.. lack of confidence to face the big wide world.. I never had any lack of confidence or self esteem and took to it like a duck takes to water.. parents job is to help their children to be ready to stand on their own two feet, and to encourage them into the world. Part of that service is after care when the child leaves home and much of that after care is often finance. Unfortunantely not every parent has the wherewithall to aid their child or childen as my parents helped us, but that does not mean they are not ready to go into the world and begin the process of living independently of their parents.. a certain dependancy will always exist.. I need my parents now every bit as much as I did when I was 18, but no longer require the financial support they give me.. I know my brother and sister feel the same for we are a close family with a very strong bond. And our pparents need us, and may do so increasingly as they get older..

My parents have never said we owe them a living as many parents seem to do.. rather that they owe us one for they decided to have children and therefore owe us a debt they will spend a lifetime repaying. I believe we do owe them a debt, not for giving us life.. but for giving us the most wonderful childhood and start in life.. they may not believe we owe them.. but for what they gave me, I owe them big time..

Our children are no different.. Kate brought them into the world and she feels much the same about them as my parents did about us.. my case is slightly different in that I am the adoptive mother of the older child, and the step mother of the younger.. but because of the love they have given me, and how the elder accepted me into her life I feel as if I have given birth to them.. I love them as if they were my own natural children.. and they too shall be given the best start in life we can give them.. because Kate and I both owe them at the very least as much as they feel in time they may owe us.. and so what we can do for them is to prepare them as my parents prepared me and my siblings for that wider world of living our lives away from home. We owe them the best preperation we can give, and whatever else they require post leaving home until they can stand on their own two feet independently.. kicking them out isnt an option..

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Maybe more adults(Parents) and kids need to watched "Kicked Out" on Hulu.com ;)
Cat