When I finally uttered the words, "I am bisexual" it was a massive weight off my shoulders but little did I realise that it was only the beginning of a long journey, a journey I now realise I was always needed to take. Most bisexual people believe that sexuality is fluid, I sure do, but ask most straight people and we'd have to be joking, right? The homosexual community may somewhat subscribe to the notion that sexuality is fluid but it doesn't stop us being berated from both sides. My obsession with cock may have started out as a curiosity or at least that is what I told myself, but I believe it was driven fundamentally by a genetic component to my makeup. I believe I was born to like it and from the moment my hormones started to patrol my body I was destined to head down this path whilst the majority of the people I know would head down another, or so I thought. I now define myself as a bisexual gay man but it wasn't always this way. When I first accepted I was bisexual, I started out as a Kinsey one. I rationalised this as liking men but women far more. I could live with this, even though I was clearly lying to myself. I know that now but I also knew it then too. Admitting I liked men was massive but I wasn't ready to admit just how much. I had always rationalised the Kinsey scale as follows, 1-2, heterosexual who likes the same sex, 3, equal and 4-5 homosexual who likes the opposite sex so initially I saw myself as a predominantly heterosexual man who sometimes liked men. It wasn't long before I changed it to a two and after few months it became a three. For me, each change required an adjustment period where I was adjusting to being a little more homosexual than I had previously cared to admit. It would stay at three for a year as it meant I liked men and women equally and therefore equally homosexual and heterosexual. It wasn't long before I realised that deep down I knew Kinsey three was a copout but a change to a four meant I would no longer be sitting on the fence. I would've gone from being on one side, to the middle and finally to the other side. I would be more homosexual, I would be predominantly gay, aka, a gay man who likes women. Yes, it's still bisexual and if I was to tell anyone, I simply would say bisexual, but this was all about my internal rationalisation. I had to rationalise it so I could accept it. Some may say that's a tad messed up, but living most of my life in denial meant I had internal walls that required to be broken down before I could accept I was more homosexual. In June 2019 I made that change. It took me 25 years to admit that my homosexual side was stronger. I did feel different. Heterosexual felt like a lie, this didn't. It felt natural. Gay porn had always been more arousing to me, it wasn't a phase nor was it just out of curiosity. It was sexual and would make me hard at just the thought. I would stay a Kinsey four for 11 months until I changed it to a five last month. With the lockdown in full swing, my homosexual side ran a little rampant, especially with masturbation month. I'm pretty sure it won't get any higher but when we come out of lockdown, there's a possibility it could return to a four. Will it ever be less than a four? Will I go back to equal or jump the fence again? I don't think so, I find men more arousing, I always have, but as sexuality is fluid you never say never. One final note. There have been posts/polls on the forum where some have indicated as they age they feel more homosexual, myself included. Is this fluidity at play or just the truth coming to the surface over time? For me, I think it may be both.
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